An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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