I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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