I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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