My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
