i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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