Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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