i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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