Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
