he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
