I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
cat food counts as protein by the way
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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