great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
