Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize