Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
no, he came in my armpit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
