At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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