can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize