the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize