So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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