I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
