i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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