please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
