I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize