Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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