There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
