I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
