i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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