I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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