A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
