Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
