I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
