why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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