I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize