girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
