Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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