Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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