No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
