I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i out mim tonsoeep
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