I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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