The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
