I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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