just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize