I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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