My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
