I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
50% drunk capacity currently
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
