my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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