Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize