Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize