I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
