I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize