and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
