im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
