my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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