she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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