My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
