Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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