if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
