thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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